Are We Fighting or Arguing?

One of the most common things I hear couples and families say is, "we argue a lot." But are they really "arguing," or is it something else? Usually, it’s something else. Most of the time when people say they are arguing what they really mean is that they are "fighting." But is there a difference between "arguing" and "fighting?" Actually, there is. And the difference can mean creating either understanding and harmony, or confusion and bitterness.

So what’s the difference between arguing and fighting and what is it that most of us do? A lot of families simply engage in trading insults, taking nasty swipes or expressing mean sentiments. That’s not arguing. That’s much more indicative of fighting and it’s very destructive. Arguing, on the other hand, is a lot more productive than that. It’s usually characterized by the effective expression of opposing ideas and feelings and usually evolves from an atmosphere of caring, understanding and of feeling safe. And arguing is much more likely to result in coming to a happy and mutual resolution than fighting is.

Generally speaking, most people engage in a sort of muddy blend of fighting and arguing. But with some basic rules and understandings, anyone can turn the destructive process of fighting into productive arguing. So here are a few good ideas to help get away from those destructive habits of communicating and begin interacting more productively. First of all, what’s your goal when there’s a disagreement? To ridicule, belittle and show others that you’re smarter than they are? Hopefully not. The goal really should be to come to some resolution or agreement that everyone is happy with, or at least to some degree. Making sure others know you’re smarter than they are usually results in resentment and animosity.

Remember, it’s reasonable to assume that no one will agree all the time. Therefore, disagreeing needs to be more acceptable. So don’t start off by just making a complaint but start with your complaint and what your goal might be. For instance, someone feels the garbage can be taken out in the morning before everyone goes to school or work. You think it should go out the night before. If your "argument" is that leaving it in the house shows poor hygiene and laziness, whoever receives those barbs will probably be offended. But if you express your concern that it smells, might attract bugs and instills good habits to take it out nightly, it’s a lot more likely your idea will be received well. Your "points" will be heard as opposed to your "barbs" being deflected or rejected.

Another good rule of thumb is that there is no name calling in a good argument. Like the scenario above, calling someone dirty or lazy is just going to put them on the defensive and get them angry. Since your goal is to convince them that your way makes good sense, acknowledging their point of view is a much more effective strategy. "I can understand that you think taking the garbage out in the morning saves a trip but I have a hard time with the smells from it." After that, looking for a different solution together is a lot more civilized. Another thing that happens in a situation like this is that a spouse’s family gets dragged into the fray: "You’re a slob just like your father!" That just inflames the situation even more. So leave parents and other extended family members out of it.

A lot of times someone will raise a gripe and get a response like, "that’s ridiculous," or "I don’t want to talk about it." That’s not productive. If the point is important enough for someone to raise it, then it’s important enough to hear them out. If you really don’t have time or aren’t in the mood, then you can put it off. But it can only be put off to a specific time like, "why don’t we talk about it tonight when I get home," or "how about we talk about it on our drive to grandma’s this weekend?" That way you’re letting them know that you do care and it is important. You’ll get a much better response that way and it’s more respectful.

Try to stay in the present tense, too. There always seems to be the temptation to drag ancient history into an argument: "Oh yeah, just like last summer when you were supposed to clean out the garage." If cleaning out the garage is a valid argument, then it needs it’s own discussion. It shouldn’t be thrown onto a giant heap of complaints. No one responds very well to that. So try and argue one item at a time. Also, it’s okay to get angry, we all do sometimes. But how you express that anger is critical. "You got me so angry! We agreed to clean the garage and then you went fishing instead." Talking about what happened and trying to understand why it happened are much better goals than punishment, ridicule or attack.

Finally, think about arguing in terms of the way lawyers argue a case. They have their facts, points of view and reasoning. They present their ideas and listen to the responses they evoke. It’s a back and forth, give and take situation done with respect and understanding for everyone involved. With the whole family engaged in respectful, back and forth and intelligent interaction, there’s no doubt everyone will benefit. Happy Holidays!

Recommended book: How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.

©Joshua Kates