How to Cope With Changes

In my private practice, parents very often call me about things that a lot of us go through with our children, especially during times of change. For instance, a mother brought her 13 year old daughter to me saying that until about a year ago, her daughter was perfect. She was a good student, participated in after school activities, had lots of friends and always helped out around the house. Since last summer, though, her daughter had become less talkative, unmotivated and rarely wanted to go out or see her friends. She attended school but wasn't participating much anymore and instead of the A's and B's she'd gotten previously, her grades were only just barely passing now. Her parents were very concerned especially because when they tried to talk with their daughter, she simply told them that, "nothing" was wrong.

Part of a therapist's job is to get as much history as possible during an initial interview. Past events that might contribute to current problems are often discovered at that interview. In this case, the 13 year old girl's grandfather died unexpectedly the previous year. She was very close with her grandfather and was apparently too overwhelmed to attend his funeral. This child also developed Asthma the previous summer and started using an inhaler at that time. These 2 events, while unrelated are both significant and both occurred just before this child's problems began. The girl's mother hadn't really considered that either or both of these factors could be responsible for her daughter's changed behavior.

While working with the daughter, it became apparent that she was indeed depressed about losing her grandfather. She needed to process her sadness about his death and about how uncertain life can be. Sometimes the grief that a child feels is hard for them to make sense of. They really need our help processing feelings sometimes, and that can be especially hard when we are having difficulty with feelings ourselves. Try and explore feelings with a child and if necessary, have them talk with a clergyman, rabbi or therapist. In this child's case, I also recommended that the mother bring her daughter to her pediatrician. Medications can sometimes cause changes in behavior and mood so it was a good idea to discuss her changes with her doctor.

Other things to consider with a child at this age are the physical changes and their ability to adjust to those changes. A young woman needs someone to talk with her about these "female" issues and a boy needs to know certain things, too. Talk with a child about these issues or have them talk with a family doctor or gynecologist. Another common cause of these kinds of changes could be the experimentation with drugs. Don't wait for a problem to explore the facts and dangers with your kids. One other thought, if a child has recently changed schools as this child did, that can be a tricky time, too. A new school and new faces can create tremendous anxiety for some children. Again, talking about some of these things with children can help.

Another question that came up recently during a recent interview revealed that a divorced husband and wife disagreed about how to handle a particular situation. These ex-spouses have 2 children ages 13 and 11. The parents have been separated for 2 years, divorced for 6 months and share custody. They apparently settled most things amicably but their 11 year old boy couldn't accept the fact that they weren't going to get back together. He was always trying to read into things and make more out of them then they actually were. He got very emotional at times and wouldn't talk about the divorce.

The boy's dad thought that it would be good for his son to see some of the women the father was dating so his son could understand the reality that the father and the boy's mom weren't getting back together. His mother thought this was a terrible idea and forbid any interaction between her sons and the father's female friends. The father wanted to know if she had the right to tell him what to do concerning this and whether I agreed with him or his ex wife. The question of whether a parent has the "right" to tell their ex what to do is a legal question and the input of an attorney is needed. The moral or practical question of whether it's right to introduce a boy of that age to a dad's female friends, requires a little thought. I pointed out that the 11 year old is clearly having difficulty with this transition. I said it would be similar to this: if his son were afraid of the water and didn't want to go swimming, it sounded like this father's strategy might be to simply toss the boy into the middle of a pool. I think a more sensitive and caring strategy would've been for the parents to try and discuss their son's feelings with him first. If that didn't help, then arranging a family counseling session with the ex-spouse would've been a better option to try first. Introducing him to dad's female "friends" should have been reserved for a time when the boy was showing a better ability to cope with this transition.

Coming to terms with endings and transitions is one of life's most difficult challenges. Changes and transitions are tough for all of us and kids are no different. But if we take the time to help them through these changes now, they'll develop a much better ability to cope with the inevitable changes they will experience throughout their lives.

©Joshua Kates