Improving Communication

Among all the problems that people come to see me about, I’m always amazed at how many of those problems started because of miscommunication. When I stop to think about it, though, it really shouldn’t surprise me that much. After all, few of us are actually ever taught communication skills. Most of us learned grammar or English in school. But that was only about understanding language. There’s really a lot more to communicating than language skills. Why don’t schools require a course called "Interpersonal Communication?" Heaven knows that many of our day to day conflicts arise out of poor communication. The fact of the matter is, unless you were lucky enough to grow up in a household where your parents were effective communicators, you probably never learned the important skills that turn language into meaningful communication.

An important step in becoming a good communicator isn’t just about using the language to convey your thoughts and feelings. It’s about listening, too. Listening sends powerful messages. It says that you care and shows that you respect the person who’s speaking. Giving your complete attention and focus encourages people to open up and really communicate with you. The world is so fast-paced these days, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind. But try and take the time to slow down and really put yourself in the moment. The people you’re talking to will feel the difference. Turn the computer or TV off for a little while. The difference in closeness is apparent immediately.

When someone’s ideas and feelings get expressed and your own feelings begin to evolve, continue to listen. But this time listen to yourself. Once you’re good at listening, ideas and feelings tend to flow better. And it’s important to really hear what the other person is saying so you can empathize with them. Remember that empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. It is the process of really feeling what they are expressing. In turn, your thoughts and feelings will be the product of everyone in the conversation. That’s connecting and that’s communicating.

So what are the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you and how do you get others to hear you? Before you act on your first impulse, slow down and think about what it is you’d like to get across. Do you want to change or do something? Do you want to simply add information or alter the perception of what’s at hand? Being clear about what you want and where you’re going with your ideas can mean the difference between having real communication or just a vague exchange of words. Even if you don’t know what you want or where you’re going in the conversation, simply expressing that is honest and clear.

Not all interactions are loving and cozy, of course. There are plenty of times when difficult feelings like anger, disappointment or frustration will be felt or will need to be expressed. Criticism is also an important part of communication and one of the ways we can learn a lot from each other. How you can best get it across? A great way to express some of these feelings is to start with how you are feeling. How does what happened or what was said affect you? A very common yet unproductive way of beginning an interaction is to say, "you always make me feel . . . [such and such]." Or, "you never do . . . [such and such]." Starting that way--kind of pointing the finger or blaming--will almost always put someone on the defensive and your message may never be heard. Beginning statements with, "I am feeling . . . [such and such]," or, "I really wish that . . . [such and such]," sets the stage for having your thoughts and feelings heard. It’s pretty hard to go wrong if you tell someone that you felt hurt when they came home late. But if you point your finger and declare, "you don’t care about me," you’ll almost always get a defensive response.

Other thoughts to help communication flow smoothly are to try and keep your interactions productive and somewhat goal oriented. Where do you want to go with your ideas? Conversely, try and keep sight of where your counterpart is going. Ask questions. How does one idea relate to another? These ideas keep the discussion moving along. If you’re confronted with hostility, anger or accusations, try and stay calm and ask how things can be improved. Looking for solutions together is always more productive than looking for fault or blame. If you’re open to exploring other people’s ideas—even if you don’t agree—you’re less likely to end up with tempers flaring up or having their ideas forced on you. Take the case of a family member trying to get you to do things their way, for instance. Instead of getting steamed up and spending lots of energy defending your way or rejecting theirs, a simpler solution would be to ask how their way would work. Afterwards, a simple comment of acknowledgment like, "I see what you mean," might be all it takes to have the interaction come to an end.

That final thought--acknowledging what others are communicating to you--is possibly the most productive skill you can use. It clearly sends the message that you care, are interested and have respect. Without those qualities, those you care about can easily feel invalidated and will be reluctant to open up to you again. And if they’re not talking, there’s little chance for understanding, growth or change.

©Joshua Kates