Making Good Choices

Have you ever been with a group of people and realize that all of a sudden an ugly scene between your child and someone else’s is unfolding? If you’re like most parents, you probably have. Sometimes they’re relatively harmless interactions which resolve themselves quickly. But other times these interactions become complicated tangles of emotional and physical struggles that require adult intervention. But what happens when the adults don’t agree? Whose rules, parenting styles, or discipline methods should prevail?

Well, the answers depend on many factors. Things like the childrens' age, whose house is hosting the event, whether or not children are visiting with or without their parents, and what the relationship between the parents is, can all influence how a situation is resolved. If a squabble evolves between two or more children at your home, it might be an easy matter to attend to by simply stepping in and stating the fact that, "we do not allow this kind of behavior at our house. Please give Tammy back her doll" (or whatever the offense was). Other times these situations will be complicated by the kids' different versions of the events.

So how do you sort it all out? Well part of the solution should be to teaching kids to control themselves rather than trying to control others. And by the way, that word, solution, should be fresh in everyone's mind. I can't tell you how many times I see adults and children in my practice who are all too focused on the "problems" rather than the "solutions." The problem focused person sees things negatively and is often angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Of course we need to be able to identify the problem in the first place before we can find a solution, but help your kids quickly switch to focusing on the exploration of solutions. Offer a few possible solutions and let them choose. This gives them the accurate feeling that they have some control over their own lives, events, and the outcomes.

But the other big part of this picture is how we deal with discipline or with what we perceive to be poor parenting on the part of another child’s parent. For instance, you might incorporate "time-outs" in your home but other parents may not. Or, you might not allow your children to eat certain foods or play with certain types of toys like guns or swords. How do you handle these situations when other parents tell you that you’re going overboard? Do you stand your ground? You probably need to have some clear ideas about "solutions" yourself.

If you feel strongly about certain issues, you really need to be firm and say something to the effect of, "you know, I’m really not comfortable with Johnny dueling with sticks." And then tell Johnny that, "in our family we don’t play with sticks that way." You might cause some tension with the other parents but you need to weigh the pros and cons of each situation. Are the risks are worth "keeping the peace?" Personally, having spent five years working with children who have developmental disabilities, some caused by injuries, I tend to err on the side of caution. I’d much rather have some temporary hard feelings or tension than take the risk of having a serious injury or disability.

In the case of foods, the consequences may not have as potentially long-ranging implications. If you think your child can tolerate having certain types of sweets that you normally don’t have in your home, you can explain in no uncertain terms that this is a special occasion. It’s awfully hard to watch someone else eat ice-cream when you’re not allowed to.

So be clear about your rules, but be reasonable, too. If you find that your child can’t get control after your intervention, then it’s time to let them know that if they don’t get control, it will be time to go home or have their friend go home. Overall, if you think another parent’s values and approach to discipline isn’t compatible with yours, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate yours and your child’s relationships with them. Be sure to explain to your child why you are making certain choices and why you feel these choices are appropriate solutions.

Recommended Reading: The Discipline Book, William Sears, MD, and Martha Sears, RN Also, How to Stop the Battle With Your Child, Don Fleming, Ph.D.

©Joshua Kates