Marriage Matters!

Since most couples who are having problems don't get to a therapist or a counselor until it's too late-if they get there at all-I thought it might be helpful to talk about some of the ways healthy couples survive. The unfortunate truth about marriage counseling is that it is often considered a last resort. Even if one partner in a relationship has begged for some sort of counseling for years, statistically, most people don't go. At least not until things in the relationship get so grim that therapy becomes an ultimatum by one spouse or the other. But by then, it's sometimes too late. And that's the first point. Don't wait until it's too late for your relationship because far too many people make that fatal mistake.

If your spouse thinks you might benefit from counseling and really feels strongly about going, then go! You don't want to be one of the couples that, "could've had a chance if only they'd seen a counselor sooner." And that's unfortunately a familiar scenario with couples who have absolutely decided to split up. One spouse asked to get help in the relationship for years and years and the other refused. Finally, the one who had been asking to get help becomes detached, cold and indifferent. Those feelings are the kiss of death for a marriage or relationship. Now there's a nearly insurmountable situation. Not only are the original problems still there, but there are these new problems-the indifference and coldness. This is a very common theme in failing relationships. The most unfortunate part of it is that it's very often preventable. Even though you could argue that I'm biased toward consulting a therapist, I think you'd agree that seeing a professional counselor is a lot more productive than hearing about what you should or shouldn't do in your relationship from a neighbor or your mother-in-law. I know, most of us have this annoying little voice inside of us saying, "I should be able to fix this." But all too often we can't fix things ourselves. And why would we be able to? Most people weren't trained to mediate and objectively assess their own relationships. So don't feel like it's unusual to be stumped by problems in your marriage or relationship. It's not. What's much more unusual is for a couple to get along, solve all their problems and have smooth sailing for their entire lives together. No matter how healthy or perfect someone else's marriage might look, believe me, it probably took an awful lot of work for them to get there and takes time and work to maintain it, too.

Okay, so what can you do to help head off this marital "nightmare" called divorce? Well, one of the biggest complaints I hear is that partners feel they are just not listened to. So listen! Is this really so hard? Actually, it isn't. But what is hard is to resist the temptation to tell your spouse why they are ridiculous, off-base, not seeing things clearly or any of the thousands of ways couples invalidate each other every day. The key here is to listen and acknowledge what your partner is saying. For instance, if your spouse feels you spoke too harshly to your son for not mowing the lawn, then that's what they "feel." There are certainly many parenting styles and your spouse may or may not have a better approach. Nevertheless, they're entitled to their feelings and should be comfortable discussing them with you. But as soon as you tell your spouse that they are "wrong" or that you don't want to hear it, you've begun digging the hole in which you'll soon be buried. A more productive response might be to ask your spouse why they think it was too harsh and how they think you could've handled it differently. Then, really take the time to listen to them. After that, if you still disagree and feel the way you handled it was better, then simply state that you disagree and explain why you feel the way that you do. From there, if both spouses are willing and able to listen and acknowledge the other's feelings and points of view, coming to agreements or compromises will be easier to achieve. An additional benefit of this approach is that you'll be modeling mature, reasonable and productive communication for your children.

Another way couples stay happy together is to take the time to do "nice" things for their spouse. And "nice" things are very individualized. Something like secretly leaving a brief love letter in your wife's car or your husband's lunch box can really make their day and help keep the romantic flame going. For someone else it might be a favorite food for dinner, picking up a video you know they want to see or replacing a bottle of cologne or perfume you know they ran out of. The point is to take the time and make the effort to make your life together as loving and enjoyable as possible. Who knows, maybe you'll be one of those couples other people look at and wonder, "how do they stay so happy together?"

©Joshua Kates