Relationships With Our Parents

Everyone in a family is affected by the relationship their parents have together. Whether it is a traditional two parent, step-parent, single parent or any other type of family structure, the impact parents have on their families is immeasurable. One of the most significant ways in which we are all affected by our parents is how we ultimately interact with other people. While there are no secret formulas or handbooks for success, a few hints from individuals who have productive and meaningful relationships can't hurt. From my experience, the most mature, productive and understanding individuals who come into counseling are people who often have a few things in common. Among those are that while growing up, their parents encouraged them to identify and talk about their feelings, discuss life issues and participate in family decision making.

The ability to identify and discuss feelings is a valuable skill that clearly improves our relationships by allowing us to engage in open and honest interactions throughout life. Being able to express our feelings in a healthy and constructive way helps keep us from becoming frustrated, angry or withdrawn when we're confronted with feelings we don't like. One way to encourage family members to identify and express their feelings is to be observant and talk about what you see. If it looks like their stuck or confused, ask questions that might help them identify what's going on. "I know that being with your brother is important to you. Are you angry that he and his friends went to the movies without you?" Statements like these can often help family members identify their feelings.

The follow up to helping identify feelings is to accept or validate what they are feeling. Being told, "that's silly, your brother's friends are 5 years older than you, why would they want you to go to the movies with them?" teaches a person not to express themselves because they end up feeling more frustrated and isolated. More appropriate might be a simple statement of validation like, "I know it's hard because you like being with your brother so much," will probably teach a child (or adult for that matter) to open up and talk about what's bothering them. From there, a discussion of how to find solutions can begin. "Maybe he'll be willing to take you to the movies next Saturday? Do you think you'd like to ask him when he gets home?" is a way to help a child shift gears to exploring possible solutions rather than to stay stuck in their anger, frustration or disappointment.

Remember that setting examples for children happens every time we interact in their presence. Expressing our feelings and resolving our conflicts in healthy ways are important jobs as parents. If we can't communicate, interact and solve our own problems, then how can anyone learn to do these things from us?

Another way to improve a persons ability to develop productive and wholesome perspectives of life is to promote discussions of various life issues. Anything from the development of new technology or medicines to events such as Columbine or the summer's drought is food for developing awareness and understanding. Patient exploration of ideas and clear, concise expression of our points of view does an awful lot to promote creativity, interest and empathy. It's a thousand times more productive than asking, "so how're you doing?" A non-judgmental stance and the encouragement to clarify what a person thinks and feels promotes healthy communication and relationships.

Finally, allowing a child or other family members to participate in discussions of family decision-making helps promote self-esteem and good problem solving skills. Everyone doesn't necessarily get to actually make the decisions, but hearing everyone's ideas and exploring how they might work out can be a great confidence booster. You might also get to hear an idea you might not have otherwise thought of. You're not going to open up a discussion about anything unsuitable, of course. But when the topic is appropriate, why not let everyone express their opinions before making a final decision?

Our family relationships are the foundation for all the relationships we will have throughout life. And just like anything else that gets built, the foundation helps determine its stability and strength. Even if these qualities weren't present while we were growing up, any of these principles can be applied to our present day relationships. It takes patience, thought and work, but then again, so does anything worthwhile.

©Joshua Kates