Effective Versus Productive Communication

One way or another, we all communicate - especially with our partners. Even silence communicates something. But how effective and productive is your communication? And don't be mistaken, effective communication and productive communication are very different. Most people communicate their anger, disappointment, or other feelings effectively if they want to. But the question is, by communicating their feelings effectively - will they have a productive interaction? For couples who are having problems, the answer is usually no.

A couple I worked with recently, Diana and Robert* are in their early thirties. They've been married for 3 years and don't have any children. Diana is a high-paid professional and Robert is in middle management. Diana works very long hours and earns a six-figure income. Their goal was to save up enough money so that in a few years, Diana could take some time off to start a family. Diana was very skillful in communicating her feelings. For instance, one evening Diana came in late from work and found Robert eagerly waiting for her with dinner. Diana wanted to take a break but Robert was disappointed and things got out of hand. Instead of being warmly appreciative of Robert's efforts to create a nice meal, Diana was brusque, appeared not to notice it, and acted as if Robert was imposing on her. When he asked her why she was so distant, she said:

"I just can't believe you're so needy. I work 10 to 12 hours a day trying to get us to the point where we can afford to do the things we want. But when I come home, you're all over me and won't give me a chance to settle in. I have to WANT to be with you but you're suffocating me and I can't stand it! Back off and give me a break."

Diana very effectively let Robert know he looked weak and needy to her. But was there anything productive about it? The only thing it produced was distance between them. After interactions like that, Robert usually got frustrated, sad, and then angry about Diana's insensitivity to his needs. Then he'd try to get her to see things from his point of view. For Diana, that just proved her point that he was suffocating her with his needs and she'd get even angrier. And since Robert wasn't as comfortable or as articulate expressing his feelings as Diana, interactions like this one usually ended with Robert leaving the room or getting on his computer for the rest of the night. Diana would usually get on the phone to complain to her sister about how suffocating Robert was.

Diana could have changed the way she responded, though, by doing a few things differently. First, she could have recognized her own feelings. She knew she felt pressured. But she didn't know what to do. What could she do? She could have asked herself, "What do I want? I want some time alone. How can I get it?" Partners like Diana are usually smart enough to realize that a loving partner doesn't lash out to hurt and destroy the feelings of a spouse the way she was used to doing. But she just didn't have the tools to get what she wanted without hurting her husband. And it needs to be okay for partners to want something for themselves that's counter to what the other wants. We're all going to be in that situation at times. So maybe if Diana had the tools and ability to say something like the following, both partners could have gotten their needs met:

"Honey, I know you've been waiting for me and I really do appreciate everything you do, but I really need some time right now. Could I just take a break first?"

That would have been far more productive since it would have given Diana a much better chance of getting her needs met without hurting Robert. But this couple was caught up in a very destructive and very common communication pattern called, blame and defend. The closeness they once had was deteriorating. If the communication pattern of blaming and defending wasn't addressed, this couple, like so many others, was destined to self-destruct. It was vital for them to uncover and understand what they were doing. They needed new ways to communicate. That meant Robert and Diana both had to agree that they needed to get help with their relationship. A sad fact about our culture, though, is that incredibly few couples who end up divorced, sought counseling before they ended their marriages. Fortunately for this couple, they sought help and got it.

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*Names used are not the actual clients' names.
Photography by Alfonse Pagano

©Joshua Kates