Breaking the Cycle of "Blame and Defend"

Robert and Diana were locked in blame and defend, a common and destructive communication pattern that afflicts thousands of couples. It happens when someone doesn't like what they're feeling (sad, pressured, confined, insulted, etc.) and then blames their partner for it. The partner responds, not by hearing what was said (which is very hard to do when you're being blamed), but by defending themselves. It really doesn't go anywhere productive. In this case, Diana was blaming Robert for her anger because of what she called his neediness. Then Robert defended what he was being accused of and proceeded to fire back blame on Diana for her coldness. Diana, finding herself being blamed then herself gets defensive. She blames, he defends. Blame and defend - it's an incredibly common but endless loop that rarely ends up being constructive.

Another couple, Barbara and Tim,* were also in the habit of blaming and defending. Barbara who was very close to her kind and loving family often wanted to spend time with her parents. But Tim, who had never been close to his family, became increasingly jealous and resentful of the time Barbara chose to spend with hers. Tim began accusing Barbara's family of interfering in their marriage. In essence he was blaming them for the jealousy he was feeling. Tim's accusations only made Barbara defend her family and her right to be close to them. Then Barbara would become resentful and angry and would blame Tim for creating tensions and problems with her family. Tim hated being blamed and his anger, resentment, and distance grew. The distance turned into indifference and this young couple's love all but disintegrated. Like Robert and Diana, they considered splitting up. Fortunately, both these couples got into counseling to give their marriages a chance.

During counseling sessions, couples like Tim and Barbara and Robert and Diana typically proceed to engage in the same destructive activities they always do. But doing it in counseling sessions gives counselors the opportunity to identify and point out to couples their destructive patterns of communicating. And once they see the patterns, they can decide if they want to repair them. Those are the moments in counseling when the keys to improving their relationships arise. Then it is up to the couple to do the work or not. Many times, it is this first step of awareness combined with the desire to improve things that will determine the fate of a couple. For many, simply using a non-blaming statement which expresses their love and desire to work things out is enough to get things started. Few people can resist their partner's expression of a sincere desire to try something new to repair their relationship. But even if the response is negative, a clearer perspective about their future emerges.

*Names used are not the actual clients' names.

©Joshua Kates