Stop and Censor

If you're lucky enough to be with a partner who is willing to work on your relationship with you, you're ahead of the game. But before couples can address destructive communication cycles, they usually have to learn to do something else. Heated interactions often get out of control so quickly that destructive things get said. If people can't slow down enough to identify the destructive quality of their arguments, there's very little chance they'll ever improve their relationship. What you want to do is to become a sort of censor, and start to monitor and control what you're saying. You can do this if you remember to slow down and think when you find yourself getting upset or angry. Start to monitor what you intend to say before you say it. Our brains are very capable of thinking much faster than our mouths can operate so the stop and censor technique really isn't that hard once you get the hang of it - and it works.

The idea is simple. You're basically just giving yourself a short delay - just like they do on live television or radio where there's a three second delay between the live remark of a caller, and the broadcast of their words. This delay allows a censor to bleep out any inappropriate or offensive statements. In a nutshell, I teach couples to be their own censors. And you and your partner can do it, too. Becoming your own censor works if you slow down your interactions and give yourself a three second delay. Just stop and think before you speak. In that quiet moment, ask yourself if what you're about to say is going to do anything but convey how upset you are. If that's your only goal, it's unlikely that you will resolve your conflict. Simply venting - or letting off steam rarely helps. So think about what you're going to say first. Then decide if it's a statement that blames your partner. If it is, you're just setting yourself up to get a defensive response. What you want is open communication - not just an opportunity to effectively convey your annoyance or anger. You can get this if you learn to stop and censor.

Censoring also helps your communication by forcing you to do something else simultaneously. It not only allows you make better decisions about what to actually say, but it shows that you're also listening more effectively to your partner. Everyone likes to be heard and listening usually encourages partners to open up more with each other. So the censoring technique is really creating other benefits, too. Not only do you make better choices about what to say and what you mean, you create a more positive and productive tone for the interaction you're having by showing that you care enough to listen. This technique builds trust into your relationship, too. Because if your partner takes the chance to talk about their feelings, and finds that you're really listening and not just sending back a sharp, defensive retort, respect and appreciation will build in your relationship. Everyone benefits from that.

Censoring and slowing down your communication are great tools but they're sometimes not enough. There are lots of ways to harm relationships. Couples in trouble have usually been engaging in poor communication habits for so long, it's hard to stop or repair them all at once. And the most unfortunate thing about destructive cycles of communication, is that they usually don't stop on their own. In the worst cases, couples just split up never knowing what really caused the break-up. A lot of my private therapy clients are divorcees who say things like, "we just couldn't communicate". I hear that all the time. So identifying and stopping destructive patterns is critical before it's too late. If things have gotten too far out of hand, or you can't do it on your own, seeing a good couples counselor can really help.

Before trying to help couples repair and improve their interactions, it's important to learn if they still care for each other. The fact of the matter is that most of the couples who come through my doors are there willingly, and want to repair their bond. If you learn to stop and censor before saying things you might later regret, the likely outcome will be a productive encounter that keeps your focus on real issues but in a positive, solutions oriented way. Practice these new techniques and you'll be closer to a happier, more meaningful relationship.

©Joshua Kates