Improving Your Self-Awareness & Expressing Yourself

It's important for couples who want to improve their relationships and break destructive habits like blame and defend, to identify what they're doing to hurt their relationships. And, as with any other problem in life, before you attempt to repair it, identifying the problem is really a vital step. If we just ask couples to be nicer to each other or to stop yelling at each other, we would be skipping an important step in the process of repair. Simply because a problem is identified, that alone won't change anything. Take for example a flat tire on your car. You can see that it's flat, but unless you have the tools and the skills to repair it, you're not going anywhere until it's fixed. The danger for a marriage if the problems don't get fixed is the potential for divorce and the damaging effects it can have on the partners, children, or other family members.

So after identifying destructive communication styles, what should couples do? The first good method was to stop the cycle of blame and defend. And another good method is for each partner to recognize their contribution to destructive interactions. Notice I didn't use the words fault or wrong. Each partner has a contribution to the unproductive communication style they're engaged in. By slowing the communication process down using the delaying and censoring techniques, it becomes easier to identify how each partner is themselves feeling. If couples can train themselves to express their own feelings both effectively and productively - without destructive actions like blaming and defending, partners are probably going to have a better understanding of what actually contributes to the disruptive communications.

If couples are determined to identify and change the destructive habits of communication they've been engaging in for years and years, the outlook for success is so much better. Here's how our couple, Robert and Diana changed the way they interacted given the scenario of Diana coming in late from work: Knowing she felt wound-up walking in, Diana immediately sensed Robert's neediness. But instead of instantly reacting, Diana took those few extra seconds to think and censor before she spoke:

"I see you've made this beautiful dinner, Robert. But I have to tell you, I've had a hellish day and I'm feeling really tense and wound up. Would you mind if I just chill out for a bit? I really feel like just going upstairs. Maybe I could take a bath or something. I'd really just like to take a break from everything. Would that be okay?"

Robert sensed that things probably weren't going to go the way he planned and at first wanted to pout and blame. But he, too, took a few seconds to not only think about his feelings and his response, but also to think about how his wife must have been feeling. Then, with just a little extra thought and creativity, Robert said:

"Okay. I was really looking forward to some quiet time together. Do you think you might feel better after you've taken a break? I'd even rub your feet if you like. I was really missing you all day."

The biggest difference in the way they each expressed themselves was that they took a few extra seconds to think about how they felt and how to say it. The extra time they took to think through what they were about to say really changed the outcome. Also, they both made the extra effort to consider how the other felt. So when each partner finally said something, they took the important step of identifying and expressing their own feelings, and they took into account each other's feelings, too. If Robert had simply reacted to Diana using his old blame and defend style, they probably would have just ended up where they always did - farther away from each other both physically and emotionally.

Making the extra effort to really think about and identify how you feel can make a tremendous difference in what you actually end up saying to your partner. After using the two techniques combined - The three second delay censoring and the, express your own feelings tactics, couples usually can have more loving moments and fewer of those angry and detached moments that threaten to end their marriages. Keep in mind, though, that there's always the possibility that other emotional or physical disorders might exist that make it more difficult or impossible to employ these strategies. So even if you and your partner agree to try some of these strategies and aren't successful, you really may want to consider making sure there isn't something physiological going on. A thorough physical from your family physician can sometimes uncover hormonal or other problems that might contribute to an inability to manage anger or other emotions. Different stages in life for both men and women, not to mention, children, career, or other family issues can all make it more difficult to get a handle on things. So don't give up even if you try a little and don't get anywhere. Depending on how long you've been interacting the ways that you have, realize that improvement doesn't take place over night.

©Joshua Kates