Marriage Matters, LLC - Online Counseling

Marriage Matters, LLC Newsletter

Keeping Your Marriage Alive!

During the first quarter of 2001, a lot of people wrote to me with very similar issues. The top three issues are that people feel they've drifted apart from their spouse over the years, that their partner doesn't devote as much energy into the relationship as they do, and that children have taken the focus away from the marriage.

If you once had a good relationship with your spouse and feel like it's turned into boredom, indifference, or worse, you're not alone. The NCHS (National Center for Health Statistics) reports that there was over a 15% increase in divorce for couples married 30 years or more from 1980 to 1990, and that percentage will probably increase for the next decade. While you might not have that many years under your belt, you certainly want to watch for the warning signs of a deteriorating relationship and then take some steps to avoid it.

My number one recommendation to head off problems is to develop the ability to talk with your partner comfortably. Like any other habit, if you get used to going along without taking the time to talk to each other, it's going to take a little bit of effort - joint effort - to change that habit into something more productive. Check in with your partner to find out if they're really happy and content. Keep an open mind about this kind of work because if you ask, and then don't like what you hear, you should be prepared to create solutions and improvements - not just become offended and defensive.

Listen to your partner's concerns about you and about your relationship. Then acknowledge those concerns. While you may not agree, if they feel what they're saying is true for them, then being a responsible partner means acknowledging what they have to say and then taking it seriously. And the same goes for your concerns. Ask your partner to simply acknowledge your feelings - that for you, what you are saying is how you feel.

After that kind of discovery phase together, quickly switch to finding ways to improve things. You really can't go wrong looking for solutions or ways to improve. Talking together, reading, asking other couples who seem happy for their secrets, or talking with a counselor can all be ways to get input and get your marriage back on track. Getting comfortable communicating productively is a major key to maintaining a healthy marriage. And it's easy to get out of practice - especially when the demands of life become increasingly stressful for almost everyone as time goes by.

The bottom line? Keep talking! And don't forget that it's important to plan the time to talk together. What may have once come easily and naturally may now need your concerted and focused efforts to keep the marriage vibrant, vital, and fresh. If you find you're having trouble getting through to each other, try my online counseling services for personalized help. Remember: the only ones who can decide to create the time and devote the effort to improving your relationship are you and your spouse.

I'm still looking for stories for my "for better or worse" column. Send me a brief, real-life story you think might help or inspire others. No names, of course.